


Come Hell or Hydrangeas

by lachatblanche



Series: Of Cupcakes and Broccoli Patches [4]
Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Broccoli, Charles You Slut, Crack, Cupcakes, Did I Mention Crack?, M/M, Protective Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-07-17
Packaged: 2018-02-09 07:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1973919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lachatblanche/pseuds/lachatblanche
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raven knows that it is her sisterly duty to keep her poor, defenceless brother away from possible serial-killing man-eating shark-faced garden-centre employees and she is willing to do almost anything to achieve that goal.</p><p>Not that anyone seems to appreciate it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Come Hell or Hydrangeas

**Author's Note:**

> This is the final part of the series which is basically a bunch of self-indulgent crack. I strongly recommend reading the first three parts of this series before reading this as otherwise it will make no sense whatsoever (seriously).
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

It was Raven’s firm opinion that she had missed her calling in life. 

She had thought this when she had won the role of Annie in her primary school play (she had even dyed her bright red for the occasion, how’s _that_ for method acting). She had felt this each and every time she operated as a personal shopper for Charles (because there was just no way in hell that she was going to allow any brother of _hers_ to walk about dressed like _that_ for the rest of his life, for all that it might be better for her sex life if she did. She was just altruistic like that). She had _known_ it when generously acting as a taste-tester for Moira in her café’s tiny back-room kitchen (because, as was the case for so many things in life, _cupcakes_ ). 

And she was thinking the same thing now as she carefully slunk through the customer-filled lawn of the garden centre, her coat buttoned up to her ears and her sunglasses fixed firmly on the bridge of her nose: 

She would have made an absolutely _kick-ass_ spy.

Sure, she was drawing a few strange looks, dressed as she was in a trench coat and sunglasses (heck, if _she_ had seen anyone creeping about dressed like this then she would have been on the phone within seconds to report the presence of a perv in the garden centre, but apparently nobody else around here seemed to be all that concerned about pretty blonde potential-perverts who darted about and hid behind miniature pear trees, so she figured she was safe enough). She had debated over the use of the trench coat and sunglasses, of course (it was, after all, a truth universally acknowledged that a person who wore sunglasses indoors was, without question, a complete and utter _wanker_ ) but then she had figured that if she was only ever going to get to play Secret Investigator Raven only once in her life, then she was damn well going to go the whole way and wear the whole damn costume while she did it. 

Besides, it was either that or black spandex and a balaclava, and Raven had the feeling that _that_ might draw even more attention than the trench coat. And not just because black spandex was _very_ flattering on her.

She adjusted her sunglasses slightly before peeking out around the pear tree. She immediately scowled in irritation. It seemed that Charles had changed position since she had last sneaked a look and he was now standing _way_ too close to Raven’s Evil Arch-Nemesis for comfort. Or for public viewing, for that matter, judging by the way one concerned mother shielded the all-too-interested eyes of her young daughter away from the none-too-subtle raunchy eye-fucking that Charles and Shark-Face were engaging in.

She had taken to spying on Charles whenever he left the house to ‘go have a chat with Moira’ (which, Raven had now come to understand, was actually Charles-code for ‘going out and getting my brains shagged out in a broccoli-patch’). She had to give Charles some credit – he wasn’t _actually_ lying. He just never mentioned the rather large detour that he would take on the way to Moira’s that involved him stopping off at the local garden centre for an hour or two first. Honestly, if it weren’t for the fact that Charles never failed to bring her back cupcakes every time, she would have confronted the lying bastard point-blank _days_ ago. Instead, she had just smiled and nodded and eaten her cupcakes and had then proceeded to stalk the life out of Charles by trailing him to the garden-centre and leaping behind conveniently-placed plants whenever he turned around too quickly.

Not, of course, that Charles had eyes for _anything_ else when he was at the garden-centre.

‘Hussy,’ Raven muttered under her breath, watching as Charles leaned forward with a sly grin on his face, no doubt expressing his admiration for prominently-displayed incisors or iron-rich vegetables or whatever else got the two weirdoes off. ‘I swear to God, Charles, you may as well just bend over, you’re that obvious.’

‘Not that I don’t disagree,’ came a voice from behind her, making her jump, ‘‘Cause I usually make it a point not to agree with perverts and stalkers and all – but how ‘bout you turn around and tell me exactly what you’re doing before I get security over here to throw you out on your ass?’ 

Raven swallowed and, quickly making up a story in her head about how she was actually a Private Investigator named Mystique O’Reilly who was on the trail of serial killer with a penchant for floppy-haired, blue-eyed geneticists and mildly-undercooked broccoli, she turned around to face her accuser.

‘Huh,’ said Accuser said, looking slightly surprised when Raven turned to face her. She tilted her head and gave Raven an assessing look. ‘You’re not what I expected.’

‘Old, ugly and fat?’ Raven asked helpfully.

The girl raised an eyebrow. ‘Dressed,’ she said instead, her tone deadpan. ‘You wouldn’t believe the number of flashers that come by here.’ She then gave Raven a wary look. ‘I guess plants just _really_ bring out the weirdness in people, huh?’

‘Hey!’ Raven protested, feeling that she probably ought to be offended. ‘I’m not weird!’

The girl let out a snort at that. ‘Right. ‘Cause you’re actually a PI on the trail of a serial killer.’

Raven opened her mouth but then quickly shut it. ‘I could be,’ she said sulkily, causing the girl opposite her to smirk. ‘I’d be really awesome at it, too.’

‘I bet,’ Smirky Hot Girl drawled. ‘But – just a tip, Blondie – maybe you should lose the coat before you make a go of it. And the shades. _Definitely_ lose the shades. Only assholes wear shades indoors.’

Raven sighed. The girl had a point.

‘You’ve got a point,’ she admitted, taking off the sunglasses and morosely shoving them into her pocket. ‘Thanks for the tip.’

‘No problem,’ Smirky Girl said easily. Then she folded her arms and quirked an eyebrow. ‘So,’ she said coolly. ‘You gonna tell me what you’re doing spying on Erik and that bright-eyed little puppy-dog who he’s probably going to eat for lunch?’

‘Hey!’ Raven snapped, torn between mild panic at the confirmation of her deepest fears and a dutiful sense of irritation on Charles’s behalf. ‘You watch your mouth! That bright-eyed little puppy-dog happens to be my brother, and there will be absolutely no _eating_ of _any_ kind, thank you very much!’

A look of realisation crossed Smirky Hot Girl’s face and she relaxed minutely. ‘Oh, I get it now,’ she said, nodding understandingly. ‘You’re not a pervert. You just want to make sure that Erik doesn’t eat your brother and bury his bones in the flower bed.’

‘Broccoli patch,’ Raven corrected, glaring over at where her brother was still preening in front of his no doubt soon-to-be murderer. ‘He’d probably bury my brother in the broccoli patch. After having shagged him on top of it first. Probably several times over.’

Hot Girl gave her a look. ‘You’ve given this a lot of thought, huh?’ she asked, sounding slightly impressed.

Raven smiled grimly. ‘He’s my brother,’ she said, shrugging and gazing off into the distance in a way she hoped was powerful and moving and maybe even a tiny bit tortured. ‘He may be a clueless idiot with no sense of self-preservation or shame, but dammit, he’s the only family I got.’

The girl looked impressed at that. ‘Wow,’ she said and Raven was probably mistaken when she thought she heard the slightest tinge of sarcasm in the words, ‘You’re really the hero type, ain’t ya?’

Raven shrugged. ‘Someone’s got to be,’ she said with a melodramatic sigh. ‘You haven’t met my brother, but believe me – you spend two minutes with him and you’d get it. Charles needs all the help he can get.’

‘You mean your boy Snow White over there?’ the girl cocked her head, gazing thoughtfully over at where Charles was dangling himself in front of Shark-face like so much bait. ‘No need to explain. The guy’s flirting with _Erik_ – that pretty much tells me all I need to know.’

‘ _Thank you!_ ’ Raven said with feeling, because _finally_ someone understood. ‘No one else seems to get that the guy that Charles seems intent on going down on looks like he could be a freaking _serial killer_!’

‘I’ve always thought “cannibal”,’ Smirky girl offered helpfully.

‘Or a murderous highwayman,’ Raven suggested.

‘A hit-man for the mafia.’

‘A secret government assassin.’

‘A lawyer.’

‘A secret-lab-concocted mutant human-shark hybrid.’

There was a pause.

‘Honey, you weird,’ the girl said, shaking her head. Then she grinned. ‘I love it. The name’s Angel.’ She stuck out her hand. ‘Angel Salvadore, Head of Garden Ornaments.’

‘Raven Darkholme,’ Raven grinned back, grabbing Angel’s hand and shaking it hard. ‘Head of Operation Save-My-Brother.’

‘You serious about that?’ Angel asked, sounding torn between curiosity and scepticism.

‘Deadly,’ Raven’s voice was firm. ‘You have no idea about the kinds of assholes my brother used to date. Believe me, this is necessary.’

‘Hmm,’ Angel said doubtfully. ‘If you say so.’ She paused then, hesitant. ‘You know, Erik isn’t actually all that bad,’ she said, reluctantly loyal. ‘I mean, he’s an asshole and ain’t nobody wanna see that smile of his, but he’s a decent enough guy, if you get to know him … I think.’ She paused then. ‘Plus, you got to admit, the guy is _super_ -hot.’

‘Amen to that,’ Raven muttered. Then she shook her head. ‘But no – see – we can’t think that. That’s what he _wants_. To confuse and distract us with his big hands, and his legs and his _face_ -’ She paused, taking a minute to recollect herself, and then quickly snapped her mouth shut. ‘Like I said,’ she said gruffly after a moment, staring down at her feet. ‘It’s distracting.’

‘Uh-huh?’ Angel was smirking at her again, her hands on her hips and her eyebrow raised. ‘Are you sure you’re doing this to stop Erik nailing your brother and not because you don’t want your brother to nail _Erik_?’

Raven scowled. ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about,’ she sniffed. 

‘Oh yeah?’ Angel did not sound at all convinced.

Raven gave Angel an injured look. ‘You’re not being very helpful, you know,’ she said reproachfully.

Angel raised an eyebrow. ‘Who said anything about _helping_ you, Blondie?’

‘Oh come on,’ Raven snorted. ‘Like you’ve got anything better to do in a place like this.’

Angel paused before tipping her head. ‘Point,’ she agreed.

‘Besides,’ Raven added, staring her down. ‘If you didn’t help then you’d have my poor brother’s blood on your hands. You don’t _want_ to have my brother’s blood on your hands, do you?’ She eyed Angel narrowly.

Angel rolled her eyes. ‘Yeah, yeah, I get it,’ she said, waving Raven away. ‘Brother. Erik. Shark-bait. I _get_ it. I guess I’m in.’

Raven perked up. ‘Really?’ she asked eagerly.

Angel shrugged. ‘Sure,’ she said easily. ‘Like you said – there’s not all that much for a girl to do around here. And I’m _way_ too young and pretty to spend all my time talking to little bearded men all day long.’

Raven raised an eyebrow.

‘Garden gnomes,’ Angel explained. ‘I’m in charge of the garden gnomes. And the statues and the flamingos and the water features and all that other garden shit.’

‘Huh,’ Raven said, choosing not to tell her new friend and co-conspirator that she was really rather fond of garden gnomes. Especially the ones with little fishing rods, they were _awesome_.

‘Yeah,’ Angel said morosely. ‘Garden gnomes.’ She sighed. ‘I keep trying to push the fairy figurines ‘cause at least they’re _cute_ , you know? But no – all people want are fucking _garden gnomes_. And don’t even get me _started_ on the plastic flamingos.’

‘People are stupid,’ Raven agreed, nodding wisely. ‘Trust me, I know – my brother’s a super-genius and _he’s_ a complete _moron_.’

‘Snow White over there?’ Angel cast an assessing glance over at Charles. ‘Huh. I’d ask if he swings both ways but somehow I don’t think that getting in between him and Erik’s such a hot idea.’

‘Charles swings both ways!’ Raven said immediately, hope crossing her face. ‘Charles swings _all_ ways. Seriously. If you want to date my brother then you _totally_ have my blessing. Do you want me to introduce the two of you? ‘Cause I totally will. Anything for a friend, right? And don’t worry – my brother is easy. Like – _seriously_ easy. I swear, if I didn’t have a belt on, he’d-’

‘Whoa there, Blondie,’ Angel shook her head. ‘Not happening. Your brother’s hot and all but it’s _so_ not worth it. Erik would kill me. Probably literally. And I’m-’

‘Too young and too pretty, yeah, yeah, I got it,’ Raven sighed, her shoulders slumping. ‘I know – I have the same problem.’

Angel watched her mournful expression for a moment before sighing. ‘Hey, look,’ she said awkwardly. ‘Maybe things won’t be that bad-’

Raven shot her a look. ‘Not that bad,’ she repeated. ‘Would I be standing here, dressed like _this_ if things _weren’t that bad_?’

Angel crossed her arms over her chest at that. ‘I don’t know,’ she said evenly, raising her eyebrow and coolly glancing at Raven’s bulky trench coat. ‘Would you?’

Raven bit her lip. ‘… Okay, maybe,’ she admitted. ‘But that’s not the _point_.’

‘Right,’ Angel said dryly. ‘The _point_ is that neither one of us is going to have any luck seducing those cats away from each other.’

‘But we’re still super hot,’ Raven added quickly, eager to reaffirm that as a fact.

‘Totally,’ Angel agreed, nodding her head. ‘But the point is – you need a new plan.’

‘You mean _we_ need a new plan.’

‘Right. That.’

Raven sent her a winning smile. Unfortunately, this smile did not seem to work as well on Angel as it did on Hank. Raven sighed. She needed more friends who were susceptible to her charms. Angel appeared immune, Hank was her _therapist_ , and Emma thought that the only charming thing about her was her _brother_.

Bloody Charles, she thought.

‘Bloody Charles,’ she muttered.

Angel gave her an odd look. ‘You okay there, Blondie?’

‘Yeah,’ Raven sighed. ‘Just dandy.’ She peeked around the shrubbery and scowled when she saw her brother and her Arch-Nemesis Erik _still_ flirting. She was certain that Charles _must_ have brought out a few of his dorky genetics-based chat-up lines by now and if that hadn’t sent Erik running for the hills screaming, then she didn’t know what would.

 _Scheming_ , she sighed despondently. That shit was _hard_. She looked down at her feet and bit her lip. Maybe it was time to call Emma again …

‘Listen …’ Raven perked up at the sound of Angel’s voice. ‘I was thinking,’ Angel was saying, looking almost reluctant. ‘Maybe – if you _really_ don’t want your brother dating Erik – then … maybe I got an idea.’

‘I’ll take it!’ Raven said immediately.

‘Hold your horses there, Blondie,’ Angel said grimly. ‘Cause this ain’t going to be pretty. I’m talking about real last-resort kind of stuff here.’

‘I’ll take it!’ Raven repeated.

‘Are you sure?’ Angel urged. ‘It’ll be weird and creepy and you’ll probably be scarred for life …’

‘I’ll …’ Raven paused. Then she shrugged. ‘Oh go on, I’ll take it!’

‘Fine,’ Angel grimaced. She took a deep breath and turned to Raven. ‘Then I’d better take you to see Sebastian Shaw.’

‘Awesomesauce,’ Raven bounced on the balls of her feet. Then she paused. ‘Who?’

*****

Sebastian Shaw turned out to be another employee at the garden centre. According to Angel, he was in charge of flowers.

‘You like flowers, right?’ she said almost nervously as she led Raven towards the flower department. ‘Because if you don’t then you _really_ need to pull some acting skills out of the bag, ‘cause this guy is _crazy_ about them. I mean, he’s crazy even _without_ them, but he’s also totally nutso about flowers.’ She paused outside the door to a room and turned back to Raven. ‘Last chance: do you still want to do this?’

Raven shrugged a shoulder. ‘No point going back now, is there? I mean, he can’t be _that_ bad right? If he likes flowers and stuff?’

Angel bit her lip. ‘Right, about that …’ she said awkwardly. She took a deep breath before blurting out, ‘Shaw also has an alter-ego called Schmidt who’s a Neo-Nazi who intends on taking over the world using hydrangeas. Good luck!’ And before Raven could so much as blink she had turned the door handle and shoved the door open.

 _Well shit_ , Raven thought to herself but before she knew it, she was being pushed through the door and into the proverbial lion’s den, which wasn’t so much a den of lions as it was a large room containing hundreds of brightly coloured flowers and one possibly psychotic Neo-Nazi.

Well. She _assumed_ it contained a possibly psychotic Neo-Nazi, but really, at the moment all she could see was flowers. Lots of flowers. Like, _really_ lots of flowers. The creepy Nazi dude was probably also somewhere in there, though.

This probability veered sharply towards the definitive end of the scale a moment later, when a voice suddenly broke out from one of the shadowed corners of the room, causing Raven to jump with an emotion that was completely, absolutely, definitely _not_ fright.

‘Who dares to enter the realm of the hydra?’ boomed the voice, somehow managing to echo through the wide and airy room.

Raven glanced over at Angel, who had slunk in cautiously behind her.

‘Hydrangeas,’ Angel whispered, rolling her eyes. ‘He calls them his pet hydra. Told you this guy was nuts.’

Raven was about to hiss something back at her but she was cut off.

‘Silence!’ bellowed the voice. ‘You ignorant humans have crossed my threshold for the last – oh, hello there Angel.’

Raven blinked as the voice went from being dark and ominous to suddenly pleasant and genial.

‘Er – hi,’ Angel said awkwardly, giving the room around her a tight smile. She winced as Raven turned to her with her hands on her hips, her eyebrow moving progressively higher up her forehead as the seconds ticked by.

‘Are you friends with this guy or something?’ Raven drawled, making sure that her voice wouldn’t carry over to anywhere a potentially-evil flower overlord might hear. ‘What are you, the second in command of his hydrangea army?’

Angel scowled. ‘Don’t you go giving him ideas!’ she hissed. Seeing the look on Raven’s face, however, she sighed. ‘So yeah, he _might_ think that I’m sort of his friend.’ She looked more than a little disgruntled at the idea. ‘Believe me, Blondie, I’ve been looking for a way out of it ever since. I swear, I took his side this _one_ time and now he thinks I’m his fucking sidekick or something.’ She sighed glumly, shuffling her feet. ‘Erik never really forgave me for that. He called me a traitor and stomped off to go ogle some broccoli or something. You’d think he’d cut me some slack – _I’m_ the one who got saddled with Shaw, not him!’

Raven opened her mouth to say that she had _always_ suspected Erik of ogling broccoli when a hand landed on her shoulder and she jumped, looking up to see Shaw bearing down on her and Angel with a hand on each of their shoulders.

‘Angel, my dear,’ Shaw’s voice was smooth and his actually-not-altogether-unattractive face wore the sort of benevolent expression that one might expect to find on a megalomaniacal dictator who ruled his flower subjects with iron yet paternalistic fist. ‘You’ve brought a _friend_! How delightful!’

‘Yeah,’ Angel said quickly. ‘This is Raven. She’s cool.’

‘Ah,’ Shaw surveyed her, causing Raven to swallow. ‘I see! And she is sympathetic to the cause, yes?’

Raven and Angel shared a glance which seemed to indicate that neither knew exactly what “the cause” was, but that both of them suspected that it likely had something to do with hydrangeas.

‘Ye…actually that’s not why I brought her here,’ Angel said, squirming slightly. 

‘Though I am _totally_ on board with the whole idea of flower domination,’ Raven added quickly, seeing the beginnings of a frown on Shaw’s surprisingly-smooth forehead. She wondered what kind of moisturising regime he had. ‘Flower power!’ she added lamely, giving the air a weak punch of her fist.

This seemed to appease Shaw well enough, however, for he beamed at her and his expression became even more benevolent before, which frankly Raven hadn’t thought possible.

‘Excellent!’ he said happily, patting her heavily on the back. ‘Always glad to welcome a fellow believer! Now then,’ he straightened up. ‘What can I do for you ladies?’

‘Well,’ Raven cast a doubtful look at Angel, who merely shrugged. ‘It’s kinda about Erik …’

Shaw snapped up straight. ‘Little Erik Lehnsherr?’ he asked, sounding suddenly eager.

‘Um,’ Raven blinked. ‘Well I don’t know about him being _little_ …’ In _any_ sense. She had _seen_ the front of Erik’s trousers.

‘He will always be little Erik Lehnsherr to me,’ Shaw said nostalgically.

‘You’ve known him for a long time, then?’ Raven asked eagerly.

‘Oh yes,’ Shaw nodded, smiling an eerily-bright smile. ‘I was the one who trained him when he first got here.’

Raven stared at him for a moment. ‘And how long ago was that?’ she asked sceptically.

‘A year and a half ago,’ came the prompt answer.

‘Ah,’ Raven turned and glared accusingly at Angel, who, to her credit, looked slightly apologetic. ‘He must have _really_ grown in the last couple of years.’

Shaw frowned. ‘No, not really,’ he said, giving Raven an odd look.

‘Right,’ Raven said flatly. ‘No. Of course not.’ She quickly shook her head. ‘So,’ she said, determined to get on with things. ‘You know Erik well, then?’

‘Know him well?’ Shaw repeated, looking almost shocked. ‘Of course I do! Erik is like a son to me! I taught him everything he knows!’ He puffed his chest out at that. 

Raven glanced over at Angel. Angel firmly shook her head. Raven’s shoulders slumped.

‘Right,’ she sighed. ‘So I guess you’re not going to help us take him down, then?’

Shaw immediately stopped preening and turned to face her. ‘Take him down?’ he repeated. ‘You want to take down Erik Lehnsherr?’

‘Well … not _permanently_ ,’ Raven said, slightly uncomfortable at having all of Shaw’s creepiness directed her way. ‘Just enough that he stops being interested in my brother.’

‘Ah, that would be Erik’s young man, yes?’ Shaw mused, stroking his chin thoughtfully in a way that honestly did not remind Raven at all of an evil mastermind planning the start of the next world war. 

‘He’s not Erik’s “young man”,’ Raven bit out, choosing to ignore the ‘evil mastermind’ side of things for the time being in the hopes of a solution to her problem. ‘At least, not while I have anything to say about it.’

‘I admire your spirit, my dear,’ Shaw said, nodding approvingly. ‘And it just so happens that I have just the thing.’ He held up a finger, indicating for her to stay there while he went off in search of something.

The moment he had gone, Raven turned to Angel.

‘That guy?’ she said flatly. ‘Seriously?’

Angel shrugged. ‘Hey, you said you needed help,’ she said, crossing her arms defensively. ‘And honey, I agree – you _really_ need help, especially if your ideas involve sneaking around the vegetable patch dressed like the pervy version of Inspector Gadget.’ Raven opened her mouth to protest that: a) she looked _awesome_ , and b) that bringing her childhood hero Inspector Gadget into the argument was just a low blow and wasn’t going to help _anyone_ , but Angel had already continued on. ‘And say what you like, Blondie, but we are so in need of a plan right now and our boy Shaw here has the whole evil-mastermind thing going on.’

Raven closed her mouth, deflated. ‘You’re right,’ she said after a moment, sounding resigned. ‘We _do_ need a plan. And yeah – Shaw _does_ have that whole weirdly-sexy evil-mastermind thing going for him.’

Angel gave her a strange look. ‘I never said anything about him being sexy,’ she said, giving Raven a suspicious look.

‘Oh,’ Raven blinked. ‘Right. Yeah, me neither.’

Angel stared at her for a minute longer before shaking her head. ‘Girl, you strange,’ she muttered, although oddly enough she didn’t look the least but put out by it.

‘Wait till you meet my brother,’ Raven said under her breath, but any further conversation was curtailed by the return of Sebastian Shaw, who was grinning widely and looking more than a little proud of himself.

‘Here,’ he said, holding out his hand and offering something to Raven. ‘Take this.’

Raven reached forward and curiously took the small pouch from Shaw’s fingers. ‘What is it?’ she asked, tugging at the drawstring.

‘Gunpowder.’

Raven choked.

‘ _What?_ ’ she said in a cool, moderated voice that was absolutely nothing like a high-pitched girly squeal.

‘What the hell, Shaw?’ Angel demanded, taking a step away from Raven and the bag she was holding like the loyal friend she was.

‘Ladies, ladies,’ Shaw said soothingly. ‘Don’t worry your pretty little heads. It’s all part of the plan.’

Angel sent Raven a look that clearly said, _Now would be a good time to ask what the plan actually is, Blondie_ , and Raven, after weighing her options, found that asking the question did in fact seem to be the right way to proceed.

‘Remind me of the plan again?’ she asked in what seemed to be a strangely shrill, anxious voice as she stood there blinking quizzically at Shaw.

Shaw beamed. ‘I was just about to tell you,’ he said grandly. There was a dramatic pause. ‘We are going to blow up Erik’s broccoli patch!’

There was silence.

Raven’s eyebrow twitched.

Her inner monologue ran something like this: _Wow, this guy is one-hundred percent nutso (But the broccoli patch!) Seriously, who the hell would think **that** was a good idea?? (We could blow up the broccoli patch!!) Honestly, that’s just going a **bit** too far (Erik wouldn’t be able to shag Charles in the broccoli patch!) I mean, **gunpowder** , really? (I could save Charles from a man-eating shark!!) That shit is **dangerous** , who knows what could happen? (Oh my god this plan is awesome!!! :D :D :D)_

With that she turned to Angel with wide eyes.

Angel, who was staring at Shaw with an _Are you shitting me?_ sort of expression, glanced over at Raven as if to exchange a weary look of disbelief, only to be caught by the look on Raven’s face.

‘Oh no,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘Oh _hell_ no. Snap the hell out of it, Blondie, we are _not_ blowing up Erik’s broccoli patch!’

As one, Shaw and Raven’s shoulders slumped.

‘Oh dear,’ Shaw said sadly, looking down mournfully at the pouch of gunpowder. ‘I’ve been waiting to use this for ages.’

‘Maybe next time,’ Raven said sympathetically, patting him gently on his (really quite firm) shoulder. ‘Where did you get that stuff, anyway?’

‘From the Russians,’ Shaw said with a sigh. Raven exchanged a glance with Angel and then wisely decided that she didn’t actually want to know.

‘It was a dumb plan,’ Angel said flatly, crossing her arms and looking sternly between the two of them. ‘How the hell was blowing Erik’s garden up supposed to help us anyway?’

‘He wouldn’t have been able to shag Charles on his broccoli patch!’ Raven said immediately.

‘He would realise the futility of growing vegetables and join me in the flower department, finally understanding the inevitability of flower domination!’ Shaw added.

Both Angel and Raven turned to stare at him.

‘Dude, seriously?’ Raven asked, arching a sceptical eyebrow.

‘Flowers are the future!’ Shaw declared, sweeping his arm around the room in a grand gesture. ‘They are what keep the world turning! Without them we are nothing. Absolutely _nothing_!’ He paused for a moment and then shrugged. ‘Plus they’re really, really pretty.’

Angel turned to Raven, who was standing there slack-jawed, staring at Shaw. ‘Can we go now, Blondie?’ she muttered under her breath.

‘Oh yeah,’ Raven nodded quickly. ‘Let’s get out of here.’ She turned back to Shaw and plastered a big smile on her face. ‘Well, this was ...’ She paused, trying to think of a word. She couldn’t think of one. She tried to think of what Charles would say. ‘… Groovy.’ She blinked. ‘Yes! Groovy! Thanks for all the … grooviness.’

Shaw smiled. ‘Any time,’ he said, nodding magnanimously at them both. ‘Don’t be strangers now.’

‘We’d need a time machine for that,’ Angel muttered between clenched teeth as she smiled widely at Shaw.

They continued smiling and waving right up until the moment that they stepped out of the room. The moment they were out of sight, they dropped their smiles. There was silence for a moment. Then:

‘Wow,’ Raven said.

‘I know right?’

‘I mean really – _wow_.’

‘No need to tell _me_ ,’ Angel said darkly. ‘But count yourself lucky – at least _you_ didn’t get the whole flower-supremacy recruitment speech.’

Raven shuddered. ‘I can pretty much imagine how that goes,’ she said, wincing.

But Angel shook her head. ‘No,’ she said grimly. ‘No, you really, really can’t.’

Raven sighed. ‘Maybe not,’ she turned around and cast a forlorn glance at the doorway. ‘Well, that was a bust.’

Angel shrugged. ‘Sorry,’ she said plainly. ‘I really thought he might be able to help – I wouldn’t have put you through that otherwise.’ She paused. ‘Probably.’

‘Well, the gunpowder idea wasn’t _that_ -’ Raven caught the look on Angel’s face and quickly stopped talking. ‘Yeah, it was a bust.’

They walked back to the garden centre’s vegetable section slowly, neither of them saying a word.

‘You’ll figure out something,’ Angel said at last, nodding her head with certainty. ‘It can’t be that hard. That is,’ she paused then, suddenly hesitant. ‘That is – if you’re _sure_ you want to get rid of Erik.’

Raven turned and stared at her. ‘What?’ she said blankly. ‘Of _course_ I want to get rid of Erik! Why wouldn’t I? The guy’s a complete broccoli-loving psycho – hidden inside a _very_ drool-worthy package, I admit – but still! Great abs does not a non-psychopath make.’

Angel was giving her another one of those ‘Girl, you so weird’ kind of looks but after a moment she just sighed and shook her head. ‘Look,’ she said, frowning and shifting slightly. ‘It’s not like I don’t agree that the guy _looks_ like a total psycho.’ Raven looked gratified by this admission. ‘It’s just … well, the guy ain’t actually all that bad, you know?’

Raven stared at her. ‘What are you saying?’ she demanded.

Angel shrugged. ‘I’m just saying – since your brother really likes him and all – maybe you should just give Erik a chance?’

Raven continued to stare at Angel. Then her mouth formed a thin, grim line.

‘So,’ she said darkly. ‘This is how it ends.’

Angel frowned. ‘How what ends?’

But Raven was shaking her head. ‘I had so much hope,’ she said sadly. ‘We were going to have these super-cool little badges and wear “I Hate Erik” t-shirts …’

Angel was looking at her strangely. ‘Honey, you’re doing that crazy-ass weird thing again.’

‘… And then we would become best friends – don’t tell Emma that, though, she’d be heartbroken – and we’d be totally badass and awesome …’

Angel sighed. ‘Look, Blondie – _Raven_ – don’t take it personally, okay? It’s just that Erik’s helped me out once or twice when I was in a tight spot … and he _really_ seems to like your brother-’

‘The guy also likes broccoli,’ Raven retorted. ‘Forgive me if I’m not _too_ crazy about his taste.’

Angel sighed and rubbed her face. Then she straightened up and looked Raven straight in the eye. ‘Okay, listen up, Blondie,’ she said determinedly, placing her hands on her hips. ‘I actually like your crazy blonde ass so I’m gonna say this to you. You’re all about your brother being happy, right?’

Raven nodded, transfixed by Angel’s no-nonsense expression.

‘Then – and I need you to listen to me here – _let him be happy_!’

Raven blinked. ‘But-’ she swallowed and continued on in a small voice. ‘But what if-’

‘What if they break up?’ Angel interrupted. ‘What if Erik turns out to be an asshole? Well, I’m sorry, hon, but I have to break it to you – that’s the whole point of _dating_. You can’t find out if a guy’s an asshole or not if you don’t give him a chance.’

Raven shuffled her feet. ‘I know,’ she said at last, reluctantly. ‘It’s just … you don’t _know_ Charles. Usually he’s okay, but there are times that – he just falls for all these complete _dicks_ , you know? Just falls completely and totally, utterly head-over-freaking-heels for them. And I can always see it coming from a goddamn mile off. At first it was just a coincidence, but now I can always tell – see, he always gets this _look_ on his face, right before he goes away and hands his whole damn heart over on a silver fucking platter without a second thought …’ She swallowed. ‘This one goddamn _look_ that just _shows_ that the whole thing is going to end in one big motherfucking disaster because _nobody_ feels the same way that Charles does, and _nobody_ loves him in the way that he loves them, and everyone just ends up being a complete fucking _asshole_ , and …’

Raven stopped speaking when she noticed that Angel was looking at her with a strange, contemplative expression. ‘What?’ she asked self-consciously, her hand moving up to her face. Sure, she’d stopped by Moira’s on the way here but surely _someone_ would have mentioned it a bit earlier if she’d left chocolate frosting all over her face, right?

But Angel just shook her head. ‘Nothing,’ she said, giving Raven a strangely warm smile. ‘You’re just a good sister, is all.’

Raven beamed at that. ‘Damn right I am,’ she said proudly, puffing her chest out. ‘Winner of twenty consecutive “Best Sister” awards, and everything.’

Angel frowned. ‘Aren’t you Charles’s only sister?’

‘Yup,’ Raven smiled happily at her. ‘Why’d you ask?’

‘No reason,’ Angel said dryly. Then she jerked her head to the left. ‘Come on, Blondie. I’ve got something to show you.’

‘Cool,’ Raven said, and followed her. She hoped Angel was leading her somewhere fun. Hopefully with cupcakes. Moira’s cupcakes. Lots and lots of cupcakes.

Unfortunately, Angel just led her back to the garden centre’s vegetable section.

Raven pouted. ‘You’re not going to show me your own personal vegetable patch, are you? ‘Cause I’m warning you, if you’re secretly a broccoli-fanatic than I’m bringing out the pepper spray.’

Angel smirked. ‘Don’t worry, Blondie. There’s no broccoli today.’

‘Oh good,’ Raven said, feeling relieved. ‘Cause I forgot to bring my pepper spray along. Well,’ she amended. ‘I didn’t so much _forget_ as I just didn’t bring it along – a handbag just wouldn’t go with the outfit, see, and there’s no way in _hell_ that I’m carrying pepper spray around in the pocket of my trench-coat, I mean _come on_ -’ 

‘Blondie,’ Angel said firmly, ‘Zip it.’

‘… You know you’re super hot when you’re all authoritative like that, right?’ Raven asked her, cocking her head to the side.

Angel’s lips twitched. ‘I know.’ Then she nodded somewhere in front of her. ‘Over there.’

Raven frowned and looked in the direction Angel had indicated. ‘Wh – oh.’ Her shoulders slumped in disappointment. ‘It’s just Erik and Charles.’ She scowled. Not only did she now have to face even more of Charles’s love-struck puppy-dog look, but also she had to accept the fact that the thing that Angel wanted to show her was not a table with a mountain of cupcakes on top. ‘That’s what you wanted to show me?’ she asked, unable to keep the disappointment out of her voice.

‘Yeah,’ Angel said, crossing her arms over her chest. ‘That’s right.’

They watched Erik and Charles in silence for a few minutes. Raven had to resist the urge to roll her eyes when she saw Charles lean forward and start to talk feverishly quickly, gesturing wildly with his hands. She was too far away to hear what was being said, but she was pretty sure that she could make a really good guess.

‘Do you see it yet?’ Angel asked, diverting Raven’s attention.

Raven frowned. ‘See what?’ she demanded.

Angel glanced over at her. ‘Well,’ she said slowly. ‘You know that look you were talking about? The one Charles gets when he’s all smitten and in love and totally head-over-heels and all that jazz?’

Raven sighed and nodded gloomily. ‘Yeah,’ she said, grimacing. ‘Yeah, I know it.’ Boy, did she know it.

‘Well,’ Angel said carefully, nodding towards the pair in front of them, ‘do you see it?’

Raven frowned and then glanced back over at Charles. Her eyes narrowed. ‘Oh yeah,’ she said darkly, folding her arms in annoyance, ‘I see it. I see it alright. Bloody Charles,’ she muttered under her breath.

Angel’s smile widened at that. ‘I wasn’t talking about _Charles_ ,’ she murmured, and that didn’t make sense at all, what did she mean she wasn’t talking about Charles, _of course_ she was talking about bloody Charles, who else would she be-

Oh.

_Oh._

Raven stared. 

Because yeah, maybe Charles _was_ wearing that stupid, love-struck, head-over-heels puppy-dog expression that made him look like a daft sheep ….

_... But so was Erik!_

And, well, wasn’t that bloody surprising.

‘Huh,’ Raven said after a moment of solid speechlessness. Then: ‘Huh,’ she said again.

Angel was grinning. ‘You see it now, right?’

‘I …’ Raven opened her mouth. ‘I …’

‘Totally,’ Angel agreed, nodding her head.

A moment passed.

‘Well, shit,’ Raven said after a minute, blinking dazedly. ‘All this time …?’

‘It’s easy to miss it,’ Angel said with a shrug. ‘I mean, the guy _does_ look like a shark. It’s kinda hard to tell what a shark looks like when it’s in love.’

‘Like that,’ Raven said, pointing ahead of her a little dazedly. ‘I’m guessing it looks exactly like _that_.’

They both paused and took a minute to soak in the sight. Then, as one, they shuddered and quickly moved away.

‘You know,’ Raven said after a moment. ‘I’ve never seen anyone look at Charles like that before.’

‘Mm-hmm,’ Angel nodded. 

‘I mean – it’s always been kinda one-sided before. It’s always just been Charles with the Look, you know?’

‘Yeah.’

‘So maybe …’ Raven tried to ignore the tightness in her chest, ‘Maybe I should … give Erik a chance?’

‘Sounds like an idea,’ Angel said evenly.

‘I mean – it’s only fair to give him a chance to screw up before I throw him out on his ass, right?’

‘Sure.’

‘And Charles _is_ a big boy, I guess …’

‘I guess so.’

They lapsed into silence. After a moment, however, they came to a stop in front of the exit, both of them blinking in something like surprise at the sudden end to their walk. They glanced over at the doorway and then turned to look at each other blankly.

‘Well,’ Raven said after a moment, sounding strangely awkward. ‘I guess that’s it then.’

‘Yeah, I guess so,’ Angel said, folding her arms and glancing down at her shoes.

‘Our mission’s over.’

‘Looks like it.’

‘I don’t need to stake the place out anymore.’

‘Uh-huh.’

There was silence.

Raven shifted slightly. 

Then, firming her resolve, she turned to Angel. ‘Hey, do you like cupcakes?’

Angel blinked and then raised an eyebrow. ‘Depends,’ she said after a moment, considering. ‘Are they chocolate?’

Raven felt her mouth slowly stretch up into a wide smile.

‘Angel, my dear,’ she said, hooking her arm through Angel’s and pulling her along as she began to stride forward through the doors away from the garden centre, visions of chocolate cupcakes dancing through her head. ‘Something tells me that this is the beginning of a _beautiful_ friendship.’

THE END


End file.
